Of all the things I pray for in life, this would be high on my list of things I wish I never have to deal with as a parent. Granted, parenting is not easy and no matter what the situation, there is no manual for things like this. Our children are the most precious and vulnerable parts of ourselves. They deserve our full protection always…Please Lord, may my children never feel this way…
I found the article below and it stirred feelings inside of me so I thought I’d share it here with you.
My life seems to be an endless array of bad misfortune and heartache. What the f*** did I ever do to deserve this miserable sham of an existence? Being born would be my first guess. I’ve always tried to do the right thing…right according to those around me. I have never done anything to please myself first. Selfish was never a part of my DNA…I wish it were though.
I was sexually abused as a child. It took me years to face what I had endured. I literally turned my physical body around and stared my soul straight in the eyes. They say the eyes are the windows of the soul…Well, that would be very true in what happened next. I stared through myself and watched as the years rolled back to that fateful time in my life. A time where I was just a little girl and fell prey to some evil events, which would forever haunt me.
I looked on helplessly watching the essence of a little girl being taken away. The details are a bit sketchy, yet some parts are very clear. I feel, I smell, I taste and experience the fear, uncertainty and loneliness. I have nothing to cling to, no-one to turn to for help and am left to fend for myself…
Years later you, (mum and dad), read my story because somehow, by God’s strength, I have found the courage to break my silence. My expected reaction from you is one of empathy, regret and maybe an apology for not being there. It would not make a difference but in this case it does because within my soul, it would mend a bit of the damage done unto me. It is not an apology driven by guilt but more an affirmation that you acknowledge the wrongdoing and would from this point forward walk a healing road with me. It does not matter if you say anything or remain silent from this point onwards because what matters most is that I feel you near me and know fully that I can rely on you to be there when I need you.
Instead, I am met with questions that make me feel as if I need to make sense of it all for you. “Where were the adults at the time” is not a question I can answer when you were one of those adults. I almost feel like you are looking to blame someone and this I fully understand…I get it. Statements of “You need to move toward forgiveness” are like salt in the buried wounds. Don’t you think that if I knew just how to do that and if it were that easy, that I wouldn’t have done it by now?
To be very honest, forgiveness is the least of my concerns when I am just trying to function as a normal person in today’s society. I am at a loss for words…
I feel guilty for having brought this to your attention at all because it feels like I’ve just complicated your life tenfold. I was better off living with my secret…at least then I didn’t need to worry about how this would affect your blood pressure and live with the guilt of what this could do to your health. So…we don’t talk about the elephant in the room from this point on…
I feel sick to the pit of my stomach…
I carried this crap with me for years and honestly, while it was happening, it was like going to sleep at night, dreaming and then waking up the next morning as if nothing had happened. Only to be repeated again and again and again. When I was awake, the nightmare had ended and didn’t even feel real…this gave me the ill-illusion to carry on and get on with life as best I could.
To say I feel disappointed would be an understatement for now…I need to find a way to deal with your reaction to a situation that I did not create nor invite into my life. A situation for which I DO NOT have to provide any answers, excuses or apologies. I know that it was not my fault. I know your reaction is probably normal. I know that it was wrong and I also know that I need to be selfish right now and not think about you but for once in my life…THINK ABOUT ME AND ONLY ME!!!
Here is another useful link to a book worth reading:
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