I am quite hard on myself when forgetting things. I forget that I tend to forget things…I also forget that there’s a very good reason why I do. My kids know I forget things and remind me quite easily about it too. I’ve read a few inspirational stories of people with Hydrocephalus who have pushed the bar and reached intellectual limits “believed” to be in existence. When I see an article about one of my fellow Hydro Warriors achieving their Honours or Masters Degree in blah…I feel weak.
I mean…if they can do it, then so should I right? Wrong…!
I remind myself that we are not all the same and each one of us are unique in our experiences regardless of the fact that we have this condition in common. I push myself, VERY hard sometimes and I think in all fairness to the person that I am, it’s time to stop. I’m not giving up. In fact, if I did give up, it would be OK.
Why get all worked up about it? I know my memory sucks. I know that there are certain things that I can no longer do. I also know what I was capable of a few years back. This is where the struggle comes in to play for me. The fact that I know all of this and even say it, does not mean that I’m ok with it. Far from it. It only means that I have accepted my life the way it is for I know that there is nothing I can do to change it.
Aside from my short-term memory problem, my cognitive skills are shot to hell. There are little remnants still breathing inside of my head…fragmented and torn apart but some, which are hanging on by a thread, still manage to produce results. It paralyses me at times. It literally feels like trying to push through a brick wall. I feel it in my arms, my legs, my whole body…a numbness of note. Trying to make a decision or order my thoughts are things, which I fail at each time OR it takes me a little longer to get there. I’m specifically reminded of a night when I went to the supermarket after work to buy some potatoes. I stood in front of the selection of about 10 different kinds and for the life of me, I just could not pick a bag. In these situations, my heart starts beating faster, my head feels fuzzy and clouded and I feel nauseous and dizzy. I walked out of the store that night without the potatoes and highly upset with myself.
This was not the only instance when it’s happened and I know it won’t be the last. I have to remind myself that I’m not useless. I have value and more importantly…I have something to offer this world. I see the strong person I know myself to be still lurking in the shadows. I concentrate on what’s good and right in my life and lunge forward. It’s not easy and I don’t expect it to be. I do however, choose what my attitude towards the current status quo is going to be and that in itself, gives me the power to drive myself forward. I have my weak moments and to that I say…So what, we all do!
In all honesty, when I feel “normal” and push my condition aside…I think it’s sometimes better to just forget about it, even if it is for a little while.
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