Hydrocephalus…It’s sometimes better to just forget.

hard as

I am quite hard on myself when forgetting things.  I forget that I tend to forget things…I also forget that there’s a very good reason why I do.  My kids know I forget things and remind me quite easily about it too.  I’ve read a few inspirational stories of people with Hydrocephalus who have pushed the bar and reached intellectual limits “believed” to be in existence.  When I see an article about one of my fellow Hydro Warriors achieving their Honours or Masters Degree in blah…I feel weak.

I mean…if they can do it, then so should I right?  Wrong…!

I remind myself that we are not all the same and each one of us are unique in our experiences regardless of the fact that we have this condition in common.  I push myself, VERY hard sometimes and I think in all fairness to the person that I am, it’s time to stop.  I’m not giving up.  In fact, if I did give up, it would be OK.

failure

Why get all worked up about it?  I know my memory sucks.  I know that there are certain things that I can no longer do.  I also know what I was capable of a few years back.  This is where the struggle comes in to play for me.  The fact that I know all of this and even say it, does not mean that I’m ok with it.  Far from it.  It only means that I have accepted my life the way it is for I know that there is nothing I can do to change it.

Aside from my short-term memory problem, my cognitive skills are shot to hell.  There are little remnants still breathing inside of my head…fragmented and torn apart but some, which are hanging on by a thread, still manage to produce results.  It paralyses me at times.  It literally feels like trying to push through a brick wall.  I feel it in my arms, my legs, my whole body…a numbness of note.  Trying to make a decision or order my thoughts are things, which I fail at each time OR it takes me a little longer to get there.  I’m specifically reminded of a night when I went to the supermarket after work to buy some potatoes.  I stood in front of the selection of about 10 different kinds and for the life of me, I just could not pick a bag.  In these situations, my heart starts beating faster, my head feels fuzzy and clouded and I feel nauseous and dizzy.  I walked out of the store that night without the potatoes and highly upset with myself.

choices

This was not the only instance when it’s happened and I know it won’t be the last.  I have to remind myself that I’m not useless.  I have value and more importantly…I have something to offer this world.  I see the strong person I know myself to be still lurking in the shadows.  I concentrate on what’s good and right in my life and lunge forward.  It’s not easy and I don’t expect it to be.  I do however, choose what my attitude towards the current status quo is going to be and that in itself, gives me the power to drive myself forward.  I have my weak moments and to that I say…So what, we all do!

In all honesty, when I feel “normal” and push my condition aside…I think it’s sometimes better to just forget about it, even if it is for a little while.

everything's all right

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