Somehow, those words fall into the “easier said than done” basket. And, it would be true. However, when it comes down to the nitty gritty of life, that’s exactly what you have to do. No matter what your experience, you are the only one who can get back up from a fall (disappointment, regret, life lesson, whatever the situation may be…it makes no difference).
I’ve had to do this many times before, some experiences worse than others. I’ve sunk right down to the bottom of “life” and wallowed in the drenches of my painful abyss – convinced, I would NEVER get back up again. My mind, as well as my physical body, affected and numb from the pain that surrounded me inside and out. My world swirling in every direction with no clear way out. Tears streaming down my cheeks like a broken water faucet…it just would not stop. And then, there’s my heart…Broken to the point of no repair. And yet, I continued to smile and put on a front for others. I could not let anyone know what was happening, did not want to share what I was going through but silently prayed that something or someone would make it better.
It matters not what caused me to feel this way, but hopefully, you my dear reader, can relate it to a time when you too have felt the same way.
Pain…it’s a funny thing. It can cripple you to the point where you don’t recognise yourself. A point where you meet death’s door face-to-face because, you see no other way out. Yes, you literally give up the fight because it hurts so bad and you just want it to end…to go away. Seeing clearly is not an option, knowing that “things will get better“ are words other people utter to make you feel hopeful…but, there is no hope when you are in despair. It’s impossible to see.
When I found myself in the deepest clutches of this tormentor, wishing for death to end my pain and it didn’t…there was only one other thing I could do. I prayed…Yes, I prayed. I didn’t go down on my hands and knees (I was physically too weak). I lie on my bed, face and pillow soaked from crying, closed my eyes and talked to God. I was angry at first and let it all out. Blaming Him for not looking out for me, for allowing this to happen and questioning my own stupidity and fault for being in this situation. It was a long and arduous battle…one I wish never to fight ever again in my life.
Then, once I got all that emotion out, I quietened down…my mind still and my breathing returning to normal. I took a deep breath in and out, a few times and my body responded favourably. I remember everything being silent…even my nagging, never-ending chatterbox of a brain. I recognised that this was something that I needed to endure, something, which I needed to experience and even though I didn’t feel it immediately…I knew things would be better (different…but better). The emotions were like the waves at the seaside, coming and going. Some bigger than others but eventually, they just fizzled away into the sand. Each crashing wave being broken down after a lashing of pain and fury. Anger would build up and take hold of me from time to time and just as I thought I was going to get through the day…I would spiral back down the staircase to my treacherous hell. It was hard…
This is a time, I will never forget. It is however, in the past and there it shall remain. Like a scar…however, this one is on the soul, not seen with the naked eye but it’s existence is known only to me. Just how deep it’s cut runs…well that’s another story.
Like I said before, it was hard. Life carries on, regardless of what’s going on around you. People still go to work, have fun and live their lives. It might feel as if time has stopped for you and purely because of the pain you are in but Time does not physically stand still as each second ticks by with or without your participation in the day to day hum drum. I got through it and the best part about it is, I’m stronger from the experience. The lesson I learnt at that crucial time in my life, is that no matter what, I had to pick myself up out of the trenches. I am the one who would most appreciate the pain I had endured and know the road I had traveled to get to a better place. I am the caretaker of my heart, body and soul…just like you are. The responsibility rests with no-one else but you yourself. Therefore, don’t let others dictate your level of happiness. Don’t let others define who or what you are because, what it comes down to, is that you are the guardian of a precious life.
In closing, I have this to say to you. If you remember nothing else I have said above, remember this simple example of life.
When children fall, we as parents (or adults) easily say “It’s ok, you’ll be alright. Just dust yourself off and carry on“. Older than the child, we as adults are regarded as “wiser” than them. Why not take your own advice in your current situation? Why not utter the same words to yourself? It’s hard…I know but you can pick yourself up when you are down. Try it!
Thanks for reading…
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